I wrote this in the early 2000s to illustrate the absurdity and hypocrisy of essential evolutionary beliefs, couching them in terms not unlike the ones used on little kids in public schools. It was later attributed to a creation ministry that saw and liked it. I don't have a problem with that, but since it's mine I can repost it wherever I like.
TALE OF THE MAGIC ROCK APES
Okay, sit down now, boys and girls, it's story time! Shhhh....
Once upon a time, billlllllions of years ago, there was Nothing.
Suddenly, magically, Something Else -- we don't know what -- made the Nothing explode into Everything!
Eventually, the magical Everything cooled down enough to magically condense into precisely ordered galaxies, stars and planets.
On one planet, the surface was covered in hot rock that eventually cooled. It was magical rock. Inert and lifeless, but still magical!
Then, magically, water formed in the sky above the magical rock. The magical water rained on the magical rock for -- oh, I dunno, let's say somewhere between ten and twenty billion years.
Anyway, some of the magical rock broke down into minerals - can you say minerals? - and these magical minerals washed into a warm pool of magical water.
Then one day, some of these magical inorganic minerals magically formed into a kind of magical organic goo in the warm pool of magical water.
Can you say goo? I knew you could!
So do you know what happened then?
The magical goo was touched by magical lightning or magical radiation - I'm not really sure which - and magically became ALIVE!
This bit of magical goo magically found something to eat. A snack-sized bit of magical goo, I guess, no one really knows.
Anyway, magically, it found another bit of magical goo to marry...one that magically formed just like it did, I guess, no one's really sure...and they had a whole bunch of magical little goos.
Eventually, some of this magical goo grew up into all the plants and animals in the world around us. Just think of that, boys and girls: If it's alive today, it came from that first bit of magical goo!
Well, more time went on. Finally some of this magical goo magically evolved -- can you say evolved? Good, because it's on the test -- some of this magical goo magically evolved upwards and upwards, growing ever more advanced, bigger, stronger, smarter, until it became a kind of magical hairless ape with environmental awareness and thumbs. And do you know who those apes are?
They're YOU and ME, boys and girls! WE are the magic rock apes!
And do you know what else, boys and girls?
Someday we'll magically evolve high enough and far enough that we'll become the God that Science has proved doesn't need to exist.
Now take a nap.